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DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed
hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the
rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep
up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I
could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how
to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems
to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
For now...
Da Madd Webba
How you expect to run with the wolves come night when you spend all day sportin' with puppies?
You might as well pay attention since your behind can't afford free speech
I'm like a pee stained mattress, don't sleep on me!
Old Mister Johnson had troubles of his own
He had a yellow cat which wouldn't leave its home;
He tried and he tried to give the cat away,
He gave it to a man goin' far, far away.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
The man around the corner swore he'd kill the cat on sight,
He loaded up his shotgun with nails and dynamite;
He waited and he waited for the cat to come around,
Ninety seven pieces of the man is all they found.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
He gave it to a little boy with a dollar note,
Told him for to take it up the river in a boat;
They tied a rope around its neck, it must have weighed a pound
Now they drag the river for a little boy that's drowned.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
He gave it to a man going up in a balloon,
He told him for to take it to the man in the moon;
The balloon came down about ninety miles away,
Where he is now, well I dare not say.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
He gave it to a man going way out West,
Told him for to take it to the one he loved the best;
First the train hit the curve, then it jumped the rail,
Not a soul was left behind to tell the gruesome tale.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
The cat it had some company one night out in the yard,
Someone threw a boot-jack, and they threw it mighty hard;
It caught the cat behind the ear, she thought it rather slight,
When along came a brick-bat and knocked the cat out of sight
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
(Though why anyone would want to get rid of a cat I don't know. I love mine. It's great being able to leave the house for an extended period of time and not have to worry too much about him )
Nikpack
player of Celeiros
-At the cleric meeting-
DARTENIAN says, "I think we all need to get down and pray for bit-based experience."
>DARTENIAN clears his throat.
He had a yellow cat which wouldn't leave its home;
He tried and he tried to give the cat away,
He gave it to a man goin' far, far away.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
The man around the corner swore he'd kill the cat on sight,
He loaded up his shotgun with nails and dynamite;
He waited and he waited for the cat to come around,
Ninety seven pieces of the man is all they found.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
He gave it to a little boy with a dollar note,
Told him for to take it up the river in a boat;
They tied a rope around its neck, it must have weighed a pound
Now they drag the river for a little boy that's drowned.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
He gave it to a man going up in a balloon,
He told him for to take it to the man in the moon;
The balloon came down about ninety miles away,
Where he is now, well I dare not say.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
He gave it to a man going way out West,
Told him for to take it to the one he loved the best;
First the train hit the curve, then it jumped the rail,
Not a soul was left behind to tell the gruesome tale.
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
The cat it had some company one night out in the yard,
Someone threw a boot-jack, and they threw it mighty hard;
It caught the cat behind the ear, she thought it rather slight,
When along came a brick-bat and knocked the cat out of sight
But the cat came back the very next day,
The cat came back, we thought he was a goner
But the cat came back; it just couldn't stay away.
Away, away, yea, yea, yea
(Though why anyone would want to get rid of a cat I don't know. I love mine. It's great being able to leave the house for an extended period of time and not have to worry too much about him )
Nikpack
player of Celeiros
-At the cleric meeting-
DARTENIAN says, "I think we all need to get down and pray for bit-based experience."
>DARTENIAN clears his throat.
>>Though why anyone would want to get rid of a cat I don't know. I love mine. It's great being able to leave the house for an extended period of time and not have to worry too much about him
I'm having trouble finding a link (I don't think one's available outside of possibly-illegal P2P downloads), but Drew Hastings has an old little bit he does about wild animals and (sub)urban sprawl that would shed light on a very good (and very funny) reason why you might want to get rid of a cat. I hear it from time to time on the Bob and Tom Show.
J'Lo, no that other one
The Manipulation List -- http://symphaena.com/index.html
I'm having trouble finding a link (I don't think one's available outside of possibly-illegal P2P downloads), but Drew Hastings has an old little bit he does about wild animals and (sub)urban sprawl that would shed light on a very good (and very funny) reason why you might want to get rid of a cat. I hear it from time to time on the Bob and Tom Show.
J'Lo, no that other one
The Manipulation List -- http://symphaena.com/index.html
lol, that reminds me of another one: How to give a pill to a cat and a dog.
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.
CAT:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As the cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and vigorously rub cat's throat.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie the little @#!*#^~!'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty Pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
DOG: Wrap pill in bacon, cheese or peanut butter. Make him beg.
Um well, we differ i guess. If my cat needed a pill i would put the pill in tuna juice for a while, then break it up and put it in his wet food (he normally eats dry, so he considers wet a delicacy and goes nuts over it). He eats it right up. Cats dont like anything forced period. Imagine if someone tried to shove something down your throat, cat is probably thinking the same thing. The more you want to do it, the more he knows its something bad.
Farewell, remorse: all good to me is lost; Evil, be thou my good.
~Paradise Lost (bk. IX, l. 171)
Farewell, remorse: all good to me is lost; Evil, be thou my good.
~Paradise Lost (bk. IX, l. 171)
Which reminds me about another bit by Ron White regarding his dog and the vet. Ron doesn't have ANY trouble getting him to go.
J'Lo, no that other one
The Manipulation List -- http://symphaena.com/index.html
J'Lo, no that other one
The Manipulation List -- http://symphaena.com/index.html
My mom had to wrap her cat in a towel , with the just the head poking out, to be able to feed it the pill. Invariably, she had to call my father to actually hold the towel wrapped cat.
They used this same technique to cut its toenails.
Ideas that make me smile:
"We set a pit trap with the bag of holding."
They used this same technique to cut its toenails.
Ideas that make me smile:
"We set a pit trap with the bag of holding."
My cat sleeps on the desk in front of me (between me and the monitor). While he dozes i clip off a few nails then stop before he wakes up enough to realize whats up. I can usually get 1 paw done per cat snooze.
Farewell, remorse: all good to me is lost; Evil, be thou my good.
~Paradise Lost (bk. IX, l. 171)
Farewell, remorse: all good to me is lost; Evil, be thou my good.
~Paradise Lost (bk. IX, l. 171)
Never had to put a pill down my cat's mouth but I did have to tend injuries on occasion. I convinced my cats early in kittenhood that I was a bigger and meaner cat if crossed but really nice to have on your side if you needed protection from the dogs or the bigger toms. I also convinced them I was the holder of the magic can opener and the provider of tuna.
My cats would show up to be tended generally. I only had to coccon one when she was in too much pain and the vet's prescribed treatments hurt her. She sort of apologized actually, and I then proceeded to spoil her.
When it came to such things as medicine, I asked for liquid form every time or paste. It's much easier to get down them.
That said, this stuff had me rolling. Thanks for the laugh. You were right on the money about how to get a dog to take a pill. I would say Cookie? and his ears would perk up and he would bounce around and I would toss the cookie dough wrapped pill. No problem.
___
Mists and Magic, Ocean Breezes, Deep Rivers Under the Sea, Trails Between the Stars: Where nothing is as it seems.
My cats would show up to be tended generally. I only had to coccon one when she was in too much pain and the vet's prescribed treatments hurt her. She sort of apologized actually, and I then proceeded to spoil her.
When it came to such things as medicine, I asked for liquid form every time or paste. It's much easier to get down them.
That said, this stuff had me rolling. Thanks for the laugh. You were right on the money about how to get a dog to take a pill. I would say Cookie? and his ears would perk up and he would bounce around and I would toss the cookie dough wrapped pill. No problem.
___
Mists and Magic, Ocean Breezes, Deep Rivers Under the Sea, Trails Between the Stars: Where nothing is as it seems.
