Subject: Santa Gets Real


Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky". That's why you're getting your arse whipped at school.

Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex.

Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams,
Santa

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Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Friend, Billy


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.


Santa


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Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they made you, didn't they?

Santa


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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer pass wind in my face when I'm riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas. I unwind by drinking myself silly and patting the butts of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.

Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa



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Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do.
I'm skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater, just like last year.

Santa

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~Adagia
PS cleaned it up a bit and had to tear to pieces a few letters...

Reminds me of the song "If Eminem Were Santa Claus" by Bob Rivers (hint: it's in the Slim Shady style)

J'Lo, no that other one
The Manipulation List -- http://symphaena.com/index.html

>>Without having heard the song, why do I get this stuck in my head:

>>"I'm Slim Claus, yes I'm the real Claus, all you other Slim Clauses are just immitating"...

Because you failed rhyme school?

-Teeklin

"Gown Removed Carelessly. Head, less so." - Joss Whedon